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Early in my life, I was a Victim. I was used and abused by others with power over me in order to meet their needs--they had to gain at my expense. This period of my life created several negative cognitions, ultimately leading me to make a series of unhealthy promises to myself: • "I will never again depend on somebody else for validation." • "I am the only person who will ever protect and care for me." • "I will never again let somebody get close enough to hurt me." • "I will ensure people see me, and appreciate me." • "I will perform so well that people have no choice but to notice me and pay attention to me." • "I will never again risk my well-being to the hands of somebody more powerful than me." • "I will be the best at the things that are important, and will pay no attention to things that are not important." • "I will be the guy that women want to be with." In my sex addiction, I became the Villain. I used compulsive sexual behavior as a vehicle to act out these unhealthy promises I made to myself. And what an act it was! My authentic self became buried under layers of self-loathing, people-pleasing, inner-critic maelstrom: my outward appearance was a high-performing man that any person would want in their lives (especially as a romantic/sexual partner!), while I internally hated myself for being the fake, lying, weak, insecure, miserable excuse for a human that I was. I found relief in only 2 places: (1) gratifying my ego for those seconds, minutes, or hours I spent pursuing addictive sexual behavior, and (2) exuding my superiority over others in ways that hurt and damaged them in order to prop up my own ego. Now in recovery, I have the option to choose what I shall become next. I choose to be a Victor. I choose to be an agent of healing--healing those I hurt as I trampled their hearts, healing those I used to satisfy my own desires, healing those who still suffer as I once did. Even though I have literally been in war zones with people trying to kill me, this sex addiction is the greatest foe I have ever faced. I must train my body and mind to do battle on a daily basis, for this foe does not rest. I hope that it is a long time before somebody carves my tombstone. But, if they had to carve it today, here is what I hope they can truthfully say about me: "He became a Victor". God, Higher Power, I ask for the strength to be a Victor today.

I am about to hit my 9-month milestone in sex addiction recovery. My wife is currently at a weekend workshop for betrayed partners, and I am being a single working parent. As I continue to rush through life, it really struck me that this is my new lifestyle that will end only when I'm six feet underground. Wow. Recovery from sex addiction is a lot of work. I'll estimate that each week, I average 4 meetings, 1 therapy session, 18 phone calls, 84 pages of reading, 14 pages of workbook material, and 5 podcast episodes. That's about 20 hours a week--that's a part-time job! There are only 2 things I do for more than 20 hours a week: my full-time job, and sleeping. What really stood out to me is that this part-time job of sex addiction recovery doesn't have an ending date, finish line, or completion like so many other things in my life. I'll keep working, until I retire. I'll keep studying and doing homework, until I complete the certification. I'll keep raking leaves, until it snows. I'll keep coaching youth sports, until my kids age out of the league. I'll keep getting weekly haircuts, until my military service ends. But there is no "until" with my recovery--it is simply my new permanent lifestyle. If I do stop recovery, then I am essentially choosing to fall back into the addiction that brought so much shame and destruction into my life and my family. I thank God each morning for the gifts that sex addiction recovery has brought into my life: inspiring passages, close friendships, authenticity with other people, self-respect, freedom from compulsive sexual behavior. The psalmist asks God to "Create in me a clean heart", and this really is at the core of my recovery. Do I get so busy with life that recovery frustrates me? Yes. Am I sometimes tempted to skip a meeting, or skimp out on my daily reading? Absolutely. But I keep coming back. Because, as I have to remind myself: it works if you work it, and it sucks if you don't!

Throughout my addiction, I did not know what color the world was. Seriously. I was seeing the world through a twisted monochromatic view. Yes, my eyes interpreted light wavelengths  as different colors the same way most folks’ did, but I did not SEE the color and the beauty in our world. By analogy, imagine a worker in a bacon factory. Bacon is the single most delicious smell ever envisioned by humanity. All day, this worker basks in the glorious aroma of bacon. However, he can no longer smell the bacon. Even if he could, it would not appetize him the way it does for us. When this worker goes home, he feasts on bacon, right? WRONG! Bacon is the last thing that brings this worker pleasure. He is so saturated with bacon that he no longer recognizes its flavor and smell, and in fact, cannot recognize other flavors or smells either. You see, this worker still eats every day, but most dishes taste very bland without the overpowering aroma of bacon. He might add bacon to the dish just to get a glimpse of the flavor, but he does not enjoy it the way others do. On a very good day, a normal dish (without bacon, that is) will taste bland to him, prompting him to add salt. On a normal day, he will add a lot of bacon, bringing the dish to an “average” level of flavor (which would be overwhelming to the rest of us). I hope the metaphor is obvious. Bacon is sex, and both are the most amazing sensual experience in their realm. The person who saturates himself with sex (including porn and masturbation) will slowly cease to enjoy the pure carnal pleasure that sex provides within the context of a relationship—he will slowly lose the taste of bacon. On the other hand, he who saves his palette for the porcine delicacy (relational sex) will have such great enjoyment that he will not even remember the lesser methods to sample a cheap brand of the same flavor. We sex addicts have become accustomed to eating artificially-flavored bacon-bits. I will challenge you to save your appetite, and your palette, for legitimate hickory-smoked center-cut bacon. Your mouth will thank me later. If you are in the midst of your addiction, you are probably used to artificial bacon. The whole world tastes bland and looks somewhat gray. I would encourage you to take a break for a bit. Try 30 days. If this is easy, then go for 60 days. If this is still too easy, I challenge you to 90 days. Do this, and tell us how the world’s color changes. Tell us how the flavor of food changes. Go find 90 days of sobriety and tell us that the whole world did not become more colorful and delicious. I will bet that you will never look at bacon bits the same way again.