As I sit back and think about the last couple of days that I’ve had I can pretty much pinpoint where things went wrong. I looked at porn today and yesterday. This leaves me feeling discouraged, defeated, and exhausted. For the last couple of days I have been in the cycle, convincing myself that I can handle the urges and and control how far I take things, and lastly that this time will be different (it never is). I said a few prayers during all of the turmoil and thought about making a phone call and remembered thinking that's what I should do, however I never picked up the phone instead I prepared myself to tell the truth on the other side. Why not just pick up the phone and ask for help? I wish I had a good answer to that question, I convinced myself that that would not rid me of the urges. I'm no stranger to making calls during tough times, for the life of me I could not think of a time where making a phone call actually stopped me. Anytime I’ve made a call it was after I decided to not follow through or I was going into deeper waters than just looking at porn and masturbating. I will say that because I didn’t go into those deeper waters (even though I tried to, I tried hard) the shame that porn carries is not what it used to be. I kept myself out of harm's way by physically not meeting up with someone or going to a sketchy area to get my fix, and also financially by not spending any money to get the fix. Porn is still something that I don’t want be partaking in, it sets a bad example of what sex is and opens my mind to objectification and fantasy, a tone that was set at a very early age.
I will call my sponsor and will admit what happened and I can hear his voice now saying “Ok, so what?”. The first time he ever said that to me really made me take a step back he then followed with “You are a sex addict, unfortunately this wasn’t your first slip and probably wont be your last either. You can’t go back and change what happened, what you can do is move forward and figure out a solution”. The first step of that solution for me is asking myself, do I want to stop, and right now the answer is yes. What is most difficult for me is now thinking that I must overload myself with program work. Oftentimes to the point where I exhaust and burn myself out. So where is the balance and how do I find that? That is something that I will have to get back to you on because there are many answers to that question and I haven’t found the best combination, I will start small. The second thing that is difficult is the fear of being judged by those around me and others in the meetings I attend. I take pride in the program I run and am often told that I inspire other people with how hard I work my program, and after a slip I feel like a fraud. In this moment it is important that I am aware of what's going on, and even though I don’t have a clear cut solution I am asking myself the right questions and have the willingness to move forward in that solution. I will be OK, and I will keep coming back.
Big Panda
Thank you so much for sharing! I feel for you, brother. You are not alone. Recovery work early on can definitely be exhausting work, it’s all about learning how to incorporate what you can into your daily routine while not stretching yourself too thin. With time it becomes more manageable and we are able to give ourselves grace if we feel like we haven’t gotten the recovery “gold star” for that day.
I can really relate to that whole idea of “not working hard enough”, and that’s got to be especially tough if that’s coming from those around you, or if that’s how they are making you feel. Easy does it, this is new and not easy work for us or those around us. Keep doing what you can, it is enough and you are enough! Keep showing up for yourself and the inner child inside of you, your growth will show and it will help ease their fears. Keep talking about it, brother and keep coming back, it works if you work it, and man you are worth it!
Love, Big Panda
Hey, thank you so much for sharing. I'm only a few months into my own recovery. I often find myself mindlessly loitering in my middle circle, toilet-bowling myself deeper into the innermost rings of my middle circle, purely out of boredom. It takes guardrails to keep me from "accidentally" descending into my inner circle.
I also feel the exhaustion and burn-out from recovery work. It is like having a part-time job. The most challenging times for me are when my loved ones respond to me with anxiety, even accusations, that I am not working hard enough, or that a relapse is just around the corner. I can do all the right things according to my recovery plan, and I can be there for them as much as I can (within the same 24 hours a day we all get); their response to my actions, and their own feelings about the relationship, are solely within their control.
I have to teach my inner addict that I cannot control the thoughts and feelings of others, and I also cannot let them control my thoughts and feelings.